


CFUD Drabble Meme ('05)

by Harukami



Category: Camp Fuck You Die (LJ game)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-27
Updated: 2011-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-20 19:13:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/216196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Harukami/pseuds/Harukami
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On Aug. 22nd, 2005, I threw up a post saying I'd do shortfic (one line up to drabble) based on CFUD-related prompts. They're all here now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	CFUD Drabble Meme ('05)

**How Excel Became E**

She stood over their smoking bodies with a rocket launcher.

After all, the position of L was inheritable, wasn't it? THAT WAS HER, EXCEL! TOP THREE BEST DETECTIVES IN THE WORLD! "I am L!" she said, and let the rocket launcher clunk to the ground. She clasped her hands before her bosom. "Ahhh, but L doesn't sound right! I am 'E'! ALL FOR THE GLORY OF LORD ILPALAZZO-SAMA! HEIL! HEIL!"

Still pleased with herself, she ducked to loot the bodies, and blinked when, strapped to Near's belly, she found a notebook. "Dea-su?" she read. "...I CLAIM WHATEVER THIS DEATH THINGY IS FOR LORD ILPALAZZO-SAMA!"

Raito covered his face with one hand. On the upside, he thought, it wouldn't be difficult to get his note back, now.

 

 

 **Allen Walker is cute with camper of choice**

 **** _You're fucking kidding me_ , Near didn't say. He stared at the cards.

"Ah? Near-san? Is there something wrong?" Allen's face was utter guileless cheer.

He could feel a trickle of sweat running down his neck. Even with cheating at his best, Allen had -- Allen had...

"That's impossible," Near said flatly.

"Well it is pretty rare, isn't it?" Allen said brightly, and gathered up his fifth royal straight flush.

 

 

 **Mello/Near/Chisame**   
__

_Don't look gift horses in the mouth_ Chisame reminded herself, one hand sneaking between her legs. _Don't look gift horses in the mouth. Don't -- don't look gift horses ANYWHERE._

Mello, groaning faintly, lifted his head, mouth parted, lips reddened. Underneath him, Near shifted, making a quiet noise of complaint at Mello's lips no longer being on him.

"Chisame, are you sure this is the usual way these things are done?" Mello asked, husky.

She nodded quickly. "Oh yeah," she said. "Friends watch each other all the time. All the time! Ha ha ha!"

"Okay," Mello said complacently and lowered his head again.

 _Oh god. Hi there, gift horse, can you let me take a look at that-?_

 

 

 _  
_  
**Nishi/Ishida**   
_   
_

It was perfect.

Ishida had to admit it to himself at least -- no way he could say it aloud, but it was perfect; Nishi's sly smile, the way the bindings were locked tight around his arms, Nishi's tongue drawing a wet line down the center of his chest.

The fact that he'd be utterly able to pass it off as not his fault made it the best.

"There's only one thing," Nishi purred, "that could make this better."

Hazily, Ishida lifted his head. And then his eyes slowly widened in alarm.

"Hold still," Nishi said, and brought the knife down.

 

 

 **Camp Director/anyone**

"Oh fuck no," Ichigo said.

"Oh yes, child."

"Oh _fuck_ no." Ichigo arched away. "Aren't you even going to warm it up first?"

The Director's shadowy face revealed no hint of whether or not she was smiling, but her glasses glinted with pure malicious intent.

"But, child," she said, "Why should I care about your comfort during the anal probe?"

 

 

 **The Day Mello Finally Ran Out of Chocolate**

"The well's run dry, Mello," Near said, dryly.

Mello shook his head desperately. "You can't mean that," he said, his voice slurring faintly. After all, his own chocolate supply had run out in mid-July, but then there was Urahara and his sugar-free chocolate, but he'd cancelled his regular order with Urahara when the well had been discovered. "You can't--"

"Mello," Near said. "It's just chocolate."

There was one way, Mello realized, to find chocolate if it could be found. He lunged at Near, knocking him down and retreiving the Death Note from his pants. Hurriedly, he scrawled down a name -- the first that came to mind -- and wrote that the subject would die shortly after retreiving chocolate for him. After all, if there was chocolate to be found, it would be found. If not, the subject would just die of a heart attack...

***

"Earl Grey," Ishida said, politely.

"I don't know," Heine said. "I'm very much in the mood for peppermint."

"There's little wrong with peppermint," Ishida said. "But I must suggest that perhaps Earl Grey may be more appropriate to the time of the evening."

"Ah," Heine said, smirking. "I love it when you get aggressive."

"Heine? That's -- GAAACK."

Heine blinked as Ishida keeled over.

"Oh goddammit," he said, with an experienced exhaustion. "Not again."

 

 

 **Sakura/Yuusuke**

 ****All things considered -- especially that their hearts were still set on other people -- it was a damn good relationship.

But all good things have to come to an end. Sakura drew a deep breath. "Yuusuke, we need to talk."

"Yeah? We're talking."

"I can't -- I can't see you any more." She lowered her gaze. "You're just ... not gay enough for me."

Yuusuke held up a finger. "Hold that thought," he said, and dug around in his bag. A moment later, he turned back, wearing the tutu and makeup he'd borrowed from Kuwabara. "Is this better?"

"Just ...." Sakura wiped a trembling tear away. "Just get out of my sight."

 

 

 **Erk/Fred Weasley (Why Am I In This Speedo, Again?)**

"Why am I in this speedo, again?"

"For absolutely no suspicious reason," Fred said, and pulled out a camera. "You look gorgeous, you know?"

"I -- do?"

"You do."

"Of course I do!" Erk said, and posed. "Don't I just?"

"You really do," Fred agreed, snapping photos.

He could just imagine the galleons rolling in. Camp Fuck You Die's swimsuit edition calendar was off to a brilliant start!

 

 

 **Death of Rats**

Susan frowned at it. "You're kidding."

"SQUEAK."

"Really, that's not appropriate."

"SQUEAK SQUEAK."

Susan shook her head. "I don't care what his name means, he's still human, and not even that weasel-like."

With a grumble, the Death of Rats tucked Itachi's lifetimer away.

 

 

 **Lacus/Meer - Doppleganger  
**

"You know," Lacus said, softly, "I think Meer Campbell isn't that bad a person." She reached out, threading her fingers through Meer's hair.

Meer didn't -- quite -- flinch away. "Meer Campbell's an unnecessary person," she said, her voice small. "Lacus-sama is needed. Lacus-sama is wanted. Lacus-sama--"

Lacus leaned in and pressed a soft, gentle kiss to Meer's lips. She tasted, Meer thought with a desperate loneliness, like strawberries. She'd have to find some sort of strawberry gloss for herself.

"What if," Lacus asked, gentle, "Lacus-sama wants Meer Campbell?"

She didn't know she was crying until Lacus gathered her into her arms.

 

 

 **Hiro Sohma/T-Zou the Sheep**

 ****"Baaaaaaa."

"B--baa?"

"Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh."

"Meh meh ... meh baaaaaaaah.

"Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahnn homph gomph."

"!!!!"

 

 

 **Tot/Hinata**

"A -- anou," Hinata said softly. "Are you sure this is okay?"

"Tot is sure!" Tot chirped. "Tot does this all the time by herself!"

Hinata's cheeks flushed rosily. "That's ... ah ... Tot-san, do you think, I mean. Nobody will be upset?"

"Who could be upset?" Tot said. "Now, finish it! Finish! Finish!"

Slowly, Hinata fastened the dress on Rabbi-chan.

"It looks very cute," Hinata said, and smiled, still blushing.

It was so nice to have someone to play with.

 

 

 **Wednesday/Tetora**

They looked down at the tied up Ash, neither of them blinking.

Tetora was smiling. Wenesday was not.

Finally, remembering that there were, of course, manners involved in this sort of thing, Wenesday glanced aside to Tetora.

"Your axe or mine?"

 

 

 **Boyue/Momo**

"Um," Jiang Wei said.

Momoko flushed. "A... anou."

"Well, that's," Jiang Wei began.

She leaned forward. "Boyue..."

"I mean, it's not like I'd -- er."

"I, oh, I wouldn't want to bother you," Momoko managed.

"Then -- then yes," Jiang Wei said, shyly. "I _would_ like another piece of pie."

Momoko giggled. "Anything for you," she said, and handed one over.

 

 

 **Ishida vs the Hug Ninjas, Al and Ari**

"I do not," Ishida said, with dignity, "Need a hug."

"I don't want to be a bother," Al said, firmly. "But I think you do."

"Clearly you think incorrectly," Ishida said, flatly. "Good day."

This was no good -- he needed to stall Ishida for at least a little longer. "Ah, but, what if I'm a good judge of character?"

Ishida looked faintly distressed. "That's not the point. I -- GACK!"

Ari hung weakly from Ishida's neck, snuggling from where he'd dropped from the tree above. "Hug," he said.

"Good work, Ari!" Al said, happily, and joined in the hug.

Ishida muttered, "This is very undignified," but at least, he didn't shake them off.

 

 

 **Sunako/Wednesday**

 ****"Hiroshi-kun is happy to meet you," Sunako said.

Wednesday didn't smile. "I'm not happy to meet him."

"Ahhhhhhh. But Hiroshi-kun is happy anyway!"

"Then," Wednesday said, and pulled out the hot needles, "he wouldn't mind if I practiced?"

"Nothing would make him happier," Sunako said. "But only if you share!"

"... that can be arranged."

 

 

 **Momoko/Tsubaki/Makie**

It was the best sleepover she'd ever had.

Momoko yeeked as Makie nuzzled her inner thigh. "Ahaha, Makie-chan! That tickles!"

"Tickling can be fun!"

"It can be so fun," Tsubaki agreed, and leaned over to tickle Makie in revenge for her friend.

In the end, it wasn't a pillow fight that made the feathers fly.

 

 

 **Near/Ishida hatesomething, Puzzles**

The order had come in on Sunday. Mello had laughed off and on for an hour when Near had told him who he intended to invite to try one and had, again, lamented the camp rules.

"I've finished this one already," Near said tonelessly, and handed the box over. "You mentioned you liked puzzles, and so I thought I would offer it to you, since otherwise I would simply be discarding it."

Ishida took the box, suspiciously, and opened it carefully.

"A two-thousand piece puzzle," he said. "But the box cover doesn't have any art."

"All the pieces are white," Near said. "That is the only way to do puzzles, don't you say?"

Ishida closed the box slowly. "How long did it take you to finish?" he asked.

"Nine days, three hours, twenty-two minutes," Near said.

Ishida couldn't even imagine it. But then, if Near had done it that quickly, he could. "Thank you for the offer," he said. "You must have a lot of free time."

"Not really," Near said. "I did this in my spare time."

Ishida turned away, adjusting his glasses.

There was a hint of faint, ghostly laughter in Near's voice. "Good luck, Ishida-san."

 

 

 **Inui/Wesley**

 ****"My love for you," Inui said, "has a 54% probability of being like the sea."

"Er," Wesley said.

"Deep, after all," Inui said. "And like the tides, it pulls at my heart in a way that I cannot simply put down to physical discomfort due to the food we are eating."

"That's nice," Wesley said, edging away.

"While I am not normally a person to believe in such a thing," Inui said, adjusting his glasses, "I believe there is a 98% chance this is true love, and simply a 2% chance it's indigestion."

"I have to go," Wesley said. "I have a date. With my girlfriend."

Inui looked away. "...don't know why nobody ever seems to want to return my attention. But then... There is a 74% chance Wesley will like me more if I accept that offer of a makeover."

 

 

 **Allen's ArmxEd**

"Call it off call it off call it off!" Ed yelped.

"Ahaha," Allen laughed nervously, eyes wide and feeling a bit sick. "I'm not controlling it!"

"TRY CONTROLLING IT ALR -- OW!"

Allen covered his eyes with his free hand. "Bad Innocence," he attempted to chide. "No spanking the alchemist! Bad, naughty--"

"OW! OW!"

"I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Elric," Allen stammered. "I think it likes the dirty talk."

 

 

 **Impulse/Molly**

"What's it like, to go so fast?" Molly asked, wistful. "It always looked like it'd be awful fun!"

"Well," Impulse said, "it IS! You run and run and everything else blurs around you--"

"Ahhh," Molly said, clapping her hands. "That's better than mine! Even if I'm B... Princess Powerful, I get so tired after, so..."

Impulse spun around, presenting her his back. "Here!"

"Uh?"

"Hop on!"

 

 

 **Ari and Urihara**

Ari put the box down carefully. "Oof--!"

"Too heavy for you?" Urahara asked.

Ari flushed, straightening. "O -- of course not," he said. "It's fine."

"You know," Urahara said brightly. "A few weeks ago, you wouldn't have been able to lift that!"

"I -- wouldn't?"

"Nope," Urahara said, and took his hat off, dropping it on Ari's head. "You're getting strong, Ari-kun."

"I..." Ari tilted the hat back, peering up at him. "...Really?"

"Ahhh, soon I can put you to so much more work ♥," Urahara crooned, and winked. "So keep getting strong, okay?"

Ari smiled after a moment, tentative. "Well," he said. "I wouldn't want to let you down."

 

 

 **Ying/Raito**

Dinner was delicious. After dinner was enjoyable as well; the two of them just sitting together, Ying describing experiences from her past -- the first uses of war machines, her husband's response to new plans she'd laid out.

As the evening and wine wore on, Ying's voice grew more wistful.

"You miss him," Raito said.

"Everyone will miss someone when they die," Ying said, and smiled. "Honestly, he doesn't mind. It's a comfort. If he'd resented me not stopping him from working... It's a bit hard, to be dead."

"Hmm," Raito said, and didn't touch that one, just pouring her another glass of wine.

 

 

 **Hiro/Anyone cracktastic**

"IT'S NOT LIKE THAT!" Hiro wailed.

"Ah," Tohru said, and waved her hands. "I din't mean to make you think it was, Hiro-kun!"

"YOU'RE THINKING IT AREN'T YOU? I can tell when you're thinking it! What part of me is interested in you? How do you think you could possibly take Kisa's place? Why do you think you might be my second great love?"

"Er, I never said that I--"

"I HATE YOU," Hiro wailed, and kissed her anyway.

 

 

 **Stan/Ari**

"Oh god," Ari said, more humiliated than outright angry. "No, Stan."

"But Slave! How am I supposed to fully understand 'the beautiful wonders of a boy going through puberty' if I do not experience a boy going through puberty!"

"You've been talking to Excel again," Ari said. "...GET YOUR HANDS OFF THAT!"

"DON'T TALK BACK, SLAVE! ... How did you know?"

"Wild guess."

 

 

 **Auel/Mello**

 ****It wasn't exactly the way Mello had _planned_ to enter the underworld -- not that he'd ever planned to enter the underworld except for vague thoughts of what he might have to do if he failed to become L, nor was this precisely the underworld, even for camp.

But, he decided, as Auel snorted cocaine happily in lines from his lower belly, really, as far as the corruption of his ideals went?

It could have been far far worse.

 

 

 **Mello/Allen**

 ****"Oh my god, I'm going to hell," Mello blurted aloud.

Allen blinked at him, then gave a soft, wry smile. "Ah, Mr Mello," he said. "That's not really the case. Every problem you've had, you've confessed, and -- ahh, it might not be my place, but I think you're very much a good person, even when you do bad things."

"Uh it's not that," Mello said. "It's. You've always been there to help me, and I sort of -- I think of you a little as a father, Allen, and--"

"....I see," Allen said, uncomfortably. "Ahaha! Well, I'm a little young for that, but I'm glad you, ah, have someone you feel you can look up to--"

"No, that's not the problem either," Mello blurted. "Dressed like that? Oh fuck I want to do you."

Allen blinked, then frowned faintly, folding his hands together. "Well," he said. "I can see why that would cause some cognitive dissonance, yes!"

"Touch me, Father, for I want to sin?"

"That is a delightful joke, Mr. Mello!"

"Joke," Mello said, and laughed. "Yeah. Yeah, isn't it, though?"

 

 

 **iShine**

 ****The worst bit was the way the words _constantly_ choked in his throat when he tried to say them.

"Ah?" Heine asked. "What was that?"

Ishida stared down at the tangled mess that had resulted from his attempting to knit in this state and, sighing to himself, started to pick it apart. "Nothing."

"I thought I heard something. I l--"

"..."

"You like tea?" Heine asked, wide-eyed. "I knew that already, Uryuu!"

"...That's not," Ishida said, with great dignity, "what I meant."

"I know," Heine said, with a light, teasing smile. He waggled a finger at him. "But sometimes things are good to hear."

"If you know what I mean, that's good enough."

"Is it? More tea, then?"

"...please."

 

 

 **Nishi/Ari**

Maybe it was the years with Stan that got him used to this -- suffering to get what he wants, being ordered around, demanded, used as a vessel for someone else's wants.

He can't justify the years with Stan as what made him like it, though, and fear and desire curled equally in his belly.

"Nice blood," Nishi said, and licked.

 

 

 **Neji/Itachi**

He can't use his right leg any more; not with the damage Itachi left on it.

"Hmm," Itachi says. "That wasn't entirely intentional."

His face would burn hot with shame if he could let it, but instead he just shrugged. "It was sparring. These things happen."

"I don't let these things happen unintentionally."

It wasn't quite an apology, but Neji gave Itachi as much of a smile as he could manage, a twitching of the lips, despite that.

 

 

 **Near/Handcuffed!Mello**

The chocolate spilled from the edges of his lips; no wonder, really, considering that the gag had left bruises extending along his cheeks from the corners of his lips, and he couldn't close his lips completely.

Near dropped the spoon back into the bucket and looked at the dribbling chocolate. A line of it had trailed back to Mello's ear, curled around it, and soaked into his hair.

His tongue traced the line back, around Mello's ear, up across the cheek, making Mello gasp and arch from the pressure against the bruse, to the corner of Mello's lips, inside.

"Sweet," Near murmured, after a long moment had passed.

 

 

 **Anything with the line "But what about the frog?"**

 ****It was really as romantic as Heine could imagine. They'd found candles in mothballs and although they glowed an unnerving shade of blue, they were candlelight. Dinner, jerky, was served on crystal plates found somewhere in a bottom drawer of the cafeteria. And the wine glasses had a few fingers of Jack Daniels in them.

Tongiht, Heine decided, was the night.

Ishida seemed to agree, and as long as neither said anything specific, he seemed able to actually go through with it. But when, as they withdrew to the little niche Ishida had set up earlier, with silk gauze hangings, he managed a thick, "Heine, this is lovely. But ... what about the frog?"

Heine frowned and looked aside to the orange yakuza frog, who had a video camera out.

"Ah, don't mind me, boss," it chirped. "These videos sell really well on the black market, but I'll be quiet -- you won't even know I'm here!"

 

 

 **Snake/Dante**

"Holy fuck, that's big," Dante said.

Snake looked proud. "Isn't it just? Hey, what can I say."

"Mine's pretty big too," Dante said, and showed him. "It's a family thing."

"Yeah? Shit, I think that might be bigger than mine. Can I touch it?"

"That's a fucking girly thing to say. I mean, I knew I wanted into your box, but..."

"Fine," Snake said. "Can I _hold_ it? Try it out?"

"Sure thing, if you'll let me try yours," Dante said, grinning, and handed his rocket launcher over.

 

 

 **Mello, Taro, and Ari play Go Fish**

"Do you have any queens?" Ari asked.

Mello looked shifty. "Go fish," he said.

"Uh," Ari said.

Taro cleared his throat. "Ahaha. Mello-kun? I know you have queens."

"...yes?"

"And, ah, this isn't a game of 'cheat', so..."

Mello frowned a moment later, and handed his cards over to Ari. "I think," he said, "that I may have learned with different rules than you two."

 

 

 **Xingba/Boyan**

"Xingba!" Boyan was like a puppy with his tail wagging, bright-eyed and enthusiastic.

"Coulda picked a better time, Boyan!"

"Xingba!"

"If you haven't noticed, I'm naked with my cock in my hand."

"You're not naked! You're wearing bells!"

Well, there was only so much a man could accept, after all. "Yeah," Xingba said. "C'mon over and give 'em a jingle."

 

 

 **Kabuto/Heather**

 ****"I think I'm pregnant again," Heather said, her voice one of numb disgust.

Kabuto didn't quite spew the Peppito-provided peppermint tea. "I -- pardon? You're what? We haven't. And. Again?"

"Oh, yeah," Heather said. "It has nothing to do with you. I guess last time I didn't vomit up all its cells or something, because I've got a dark god growing in my womb again." She considered. "...Or probably my stomach, actually, because I'm pretty sure vomitting anything from my womb would take a pretty unique physiology."

"Ah," Kabuto said.

"Anyway, it's fine," Heather said, and held up a locket. "I'm just gonna go swallow this and then step on the damn thing before anyone can be stupid enough to actually eat my regurgitated god foetus. ...Oh, hey, this doesn't bother you, does it?"

"Of course not," Kabuto said, quickly. "Everyone has their secrets, after all."

Heather gave him a relieved smile. "Thanks, Kabuto. I -- yeah. Maybe soon we can... you know. But, uh, wear protection."

".... Yeah," he said, watching her pick up a gun and head off to the girls' washrooms. "I'll do that."

 

 

 **Lee, Tot, and Squirrels**

"Lee, Tot thinks they're very cute..."

"They _are_ very cute," Lee agreed, helplessly. "They are my favourite squrrels among squirrels!"

"Yes," Tot said, uncertainly. "But ah... Lee-san?"

"Tot-san?"

"They have eaten all our food. Tot's hungry--"

"Ah!" Lee jumped to his feet. "I hadn't even -- Tot-san!"

"Yes?"

"For failing you, I will do 500 laps around the lake!"

"Ah, Tot thinks that might not be so--"

"I WILL NOT FAIL YOU AGAIN!" Lee said, and went off to do so.

 

 **Russel/Ed**

 ****"I'm your what?"

"Husband!" Russel said. He gave a faint smirk, stroking his chin. "Well, since you're the more delicate and girly of us, it's more like you're the wife, actually--"

"Oh, now you're going to--"

Russel caught his hand and had a moment, he knew, only a moment before Ed would swing with the other. He leaned in and caught Ed's lips quickly.

"I do," he said, when he pulled back.

Ed stared at him, shell-shocked for a moment, and then threw the punch after all.

"Yeah," Ed said, dusting his hands off as he looked down, "I bet you did."

 

 

 **Excel/Sue!Zim**

"You sure are someone I'd like to have sex with!" Excel said, brightly.

"...It would never work between us," Zim said, trying to cover herself to preserve her modesty. "You're a working girl, proud and idealistic, and I'm just... I'm just..."

"Oh hey there," Excel said, and slapped her hard on the back because, really, it made her boobs jiggle just so. "Don't be so hard on yourself! You're sexy and kinda stupid, and that's good enough for Excel!"

"Uh." Zim said. "But my tragic past--"

"Ain't so tragic as Excel's, 'cause I don't got one!" Excel said. She tore away Zim's gauzy clothing. "For the glory of Il Palazzo-sama, it's time to dig in!"

 

 

 **Lee/Gwendal**

"You can stop now," Gwendal said, roughly. "Lee."

"I can't!" Lee said, and kept doing situps. "I promised two-thousand situps if I couldn't arrange things to make you happy!"

"It's not -- I don't _do_ happy," Gwendal muttered. "It's not your fault."

Lee punched the air on his next situp. "When I promised it, I made the promise independantly of what you do and don't do, Gwendal-san! But it's fine! I'll overcome this and find a better way to make you happy!"

His face was set with determination. He wasn't, Gwendal thought, cute in any normal sense of the word -- but there was something about him, his earnesty maybe, or his honesty, that rang with it.

"You've done enough," Gwendal said.

 

 

 


End file.
